Funny Folks - Jokes and Cartoons

Funny jokes, cartoons and stories for folks over 40

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I think it's good if we can poke fun at ourselves every now and then. So here is some funny stuff for us folks over 40. None of these jokes are meant to offend anyone. Just a little light hearted humor offered in the spirit of friendship.

Laughter is good for you! It boosts your spirits, relieves stress and brightens your day. Do you have a friend or loved one that would enjoy a good laugh? Show them you care by sending them to this page.

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Lift chair

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Three little old ladies

Three little old ladies are sitting in a restaurant one day, talking about this and that. The first lady said, "You know, I'm really getting forgetful. This morning I was standing at the bottom of the stairs and I couldn't remember if I was just about to go up or if I had just come down."

"Oh, that's nothing," the second lady said. "The other day I was sitting on the edge of my bed, wondering if I was going to bed or if I had just gotten up."

The third lady smiled pleasantly at the other two. "Well, my memory is just as good as ever, knock on wood."

She rapped on the table with her knuckles, then gave a start and said, "Who's there?"

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White Hairs

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

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Excited about marriage

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.

Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?' Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '

Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'

Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'

Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'

Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'

Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'

Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'

Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'

Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'

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Daily Toon Click to enlarge

Medical Cartoons by Andertoons

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Seen on a T-Shirt:

Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount!

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Snoring

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Pillow Talk

An older couple was lying in bed one night . The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you use to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

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THE JOYS OF BEING OVER 40

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You get into a heated argument about pension claims.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with the elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
You can't remember who sent you this list.
The world was made round so that we would never be able to see too far down the road.

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Child's Perspective on Retirement

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

"They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."

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Remember?

Hide-and-Go Seek
The ice cream man
Red light, Green light
Chocolate milk
Penny candy
Hopscotch
Double Dutch
Jacks
Kick Ball
Dodge Ball
Mother May I?
Hula Hoops
Sunflower Seeds
Jolly Ranchers
Blow Pops
Mary Janes
Grape and Watermelon Now-Laters
Alexander the Grape
Lemonheads
When nobody owned a purebred dog.
When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a huge bonus.
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.
Running through the sprinkler
Catching lightening bugs in a jar
Sling shots
Bedtime
Climbing trees
A million mosquito bites
Sticky fingers
Cops and Robbers
Cowboys and Indians
Jumping down the steps
Jumping on the bed
Being tickled
Running until you were out of breath
Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt
Being tired from playing
When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.
When you wore nylons that came in two pieces.
When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday.

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RETIRING IN PEACE

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace.

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OLD MONEY

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

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Wrong Way

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

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Pet Names

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc... The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

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When I Was Your Age

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, where it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally been.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

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Well, I sure hope you enjoyed these jokes as much as I did. I'll be adding more on a regular basis, so be sure to bookmark this page and come back anytime you need a good laugh. You're always welcome here.

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P.S. Don't forget to visit my home page. I've put together quite a bit of research about the topic of anti-aging using a HGH releasing supplement that I personally use and recommend to my family and friends. Check it out if you're interested. Thanks for stopping by. I hope to see you again soon.

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It is believed that all jokes and stories on this web site are in the public domain. The Cartoons have been licensed with their authors for use on this website.